Saturday, April 10, 2010

Itty-Bitty Town Police Report


* An estimated $5.00 in change was reported stolen from a residence on March 23rd.

* A 50-year-old man walked into the police station on March 25th and asked for a voucher to obtain some things he needed at Salvation Army. The requisite background check revealed he was wanted on three felony warrants for first-degree rape of a child. He was taken to jail.

(And not a minute too soon, if you ask me.)

* A street sign and its post were reported stolen on the evening of March 6th downtown. Replacement cost was estimated at $300. Officers said there were no suspects.

(The street sign AND the post? Wonder what the thief wanted with it....)

* A 56-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting at the local grocery store on March 7. Officers said she told them she couldn't afford he medication for her dog so she put the two items in her purse. Their total value: $15.15. She was cited, released and served a trespass admonishment, meaning she won't be allowed in the store for a year.

(Awwww.....poor doggie. I would have bought her the meds if I had known...)

* A city pool user reported to police on the afternoon of March 5 that someone had stolen her jacket and her hat from the locker room. Shortly afterward she phoned again to say she'd found the items in her car.

* A deputy picked up a tan, "fashionably-dressed" pit bull "strolling at large" March 7. The deputy took the dog to the shelter.

(Har! I guess clothes don't make the dog around here.)

* A local woman called the sheriff's office to report "someone or something" was on her porch going through her refrigerator on March 8. When deputies arrived, they found a raccoon eating cat food. The raccoon fled as deputies approached.

* A 70-year-old man escaped serious injury shortly before noon on March 5 when his idling 1994 Chevy Caprice dragged him across the road and into a vacant lot. The man had stepped out of the vehicle and had inadvertently bumped the gearshift into reverse. The car, with him attached, stopped when its door hit a tree. The man was taken to the hospital and released with minor injuries.

(Some days it just doesn't pay to get up)

* A local man visited a dentist to have three teeth pulled on March 3 and he called the sheriff's office when the dentist was able to produce only two teeth after the procedure. Upon learning the third tooth was missing, the man called he sheriff's office. A deputy responded and told the man that the issue was a civil matter.

(I've been in the wrong line of work the biggest part of my life. If I had known Sheriff's deputies had so much fun I would have applied for that work myself.)


You CAN'T make this stuff up.

4 comments:

Brian Miller said...

lol. the dentist stole the tooth...and one day i will tell you a story about a sign and its post and just what you can do with it...

Janice said...

Ha! Those are fun. Loved the raccoon one...

AngelMay said...

I will be very interested in hearing it, Brian. :)

Baino said...

I love these although you actually featured a 'real' criminal here! A dumb one but happy he was caught! A 'fashionably dressed' pit bull? Well I guess it's been a little chilly over there! Haha. And you're absolutely right,you just can't make this stuff up!